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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25335340">Woof</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Konstantinsen/pseuds/Konstantinsen'>Konstantinsen</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, ゼロの使い魔 | Zero no Tsukaima | The Familiar of Zero</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Friendship, Gen, Humor, Shameless</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:15:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,392</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25335340</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Konstantinsen/pseuds/Konstantinsen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Louise had heard the saying about a man's best friend. She would have entirely believed it if her familiar was not proving to be difficult in that regard. Especially when he wouldn't shut up. But at least he was loyal.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Woof</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was a dog.</p>
<p>A rather large, well-built, shaggy wolfhound, to be precise.</p>
<p>To say that Louise Françoise Le Blanc De La Vallière was grateful was one way of describing what she was feeling right now. In fact, she was feeling a myriad of emotions the foremost being relief followed by disappointment and sprinkled with massive doses of confusion. The same could be said of Professor Jean-Baptiste Colbert who stood beside her, studying the shaggy old canine behind his glistening monocles.</p>
<p>"Congratulations, <em>Ma'amselle</em> Vallière," he said warmly, being one of the few people in the world who was kind to her despite her faults.</p>
<p>Everyone else who wasn't began whispering. Whispering loudly. Expressing their astonishment, their disbelief, their absolute denial in the fact that Louise the Zero, the widely-proclaimed worst mage in all of Tristain and even the whole of Halkeginia, had actually summoned something.</p>
<p>Louise's mouth hung agape like a fish out of water.</p>
<p>She actually summoned something.</p>
<p>The Zero actually successfully pulled off a spell that did not result in the usual thrice-damned, bane-of-her-existence, dirt-upon-her-name explosion. No crater, no smoke, no debris and body parts (Founder forbid!) but rather a living, breathing creature.</p>
<p>She had finally proven her birthright as a mage worthy of bearing the prestigious name of House Vallière, of carrying on the legacy of her mother, and of establishing herself as a true student deserving to continue in her studies here at the prestigious Académie Royale Tristain Des Arcanes. For the first time since her grueling childhood, Louise felt a swell of righteous pride that she gladly flaunted to the world that scorned her.</p>
<p>Bark, bark!</p>
<p>Right.</p>
<p>She summoned a dog.</p>
<p>She summoned a large wolfhound, to be clear. Now that she had a good look at it, the dog had the physical characteristics of those wild mutts bred by the barbarians inhabiting the western forested provinces of Albion and northern Gallia. Only larger. So large that if it stood on its hind legs, it would have towered over Professor Colbert by a whole foot.</p>
<p>"<em>Ma'amselle</em> Vallière," said professor echoed. "If you would please continue on with the ritual."</p>
<p>Of course.</p>
<p>Louise composed herself, chanting the words to bind the creature and ultimately pressing her lips against the snout of her now equally confused and greatly startled familiar. And it was here that the ancient magics sealed their fates. For it was at this moment that the fiery young girl was now able to hear the voice of her dog. As did everyone else.</p>
<p>"A smooch right on the schnauzer, huh. Been awhile since the last one. I suppose it's better than a leash."</p>
<p>"You can talk!?" screeched Miss Vallière over the astonished gasps of her classmates.</p>
<p>The hound regarded her as though it was frowning. "Why are you surprised, mistress?"</p>
<p>"Y-y-y-you c-can't... <em>Professeur</em>! Wh-what is going on!?"</p>
<p>Professor Colbert had his face scrunched deep in thought complete with his hand rubbing the growing stubble on his chin. "This is...new."</p>
<p>"So other than dragons, the living dead, and ancient prophecies being fulfilled, a talking dog is the most unusual thing in the world?" the animal snorted. "Have I really been reborn as a familiar or is this some kind of twisted afterlife?"</p>
<p>"H-how can y-you...?" Louise stammered.</p>
<p>The dog ignored her, instead barking at the familiar of fellow student Tabitha. "Oh, hey! A dragon! Eh, a little small and more...serpentine than most. Is that a familiar too? Gods, how long have I been out that human children are capable of taming dragons of all creatures? Is she Dragonborn? Or do they teach Shouting to everyone nowadays?"</p>
<p>As if to add to the general bewilderment gripping the whole of the Vestri Court, Tabitha's familiar Sylphid lurched its head down and let out a low noise that almost did not sound like a growl. Instead, it seemed to communicate with the dog when it plodded over to them. What followed was a short exchange of barks and more subdued noises before Flame, the fire salamander belonging to another student Kirche, waddled over to join in with punctuated guttural noises. A moment later, Kirche's friend Montmorency found herself dumbfounded to silence when her own familiar, Robin, hopped off her palm and joined in.</p>
<p>"By the Founder..."</p>
<p>"Zero, what is this!?"</p>
<p>"She can't even control her own familiar!"</p>
<p>Louise growled at the insults and was about to try and drag her familiar by the scruff of its neck when said familiar turned around and said, "Halkeginia, huh. Guess that explains the moons looked a little different. By the way, Sylphid thinks you're not that bad. And Flame over there is getting a little restless from all the staring. Robin's hungry though."</p>
<p>Once again, the courtyard fell silent.</p>
<p>The dog exchanged more barks with the other familiars before returning to Louise. "Well, mistress. I'm at your service. The name's Meeko, by the way. I like belly rubs more than a pat on the head."</p>
<p>Miss Vallière opened her mouth to berate it. Then closed it when the words escaped her. Eventually, she reciprocated with a slow nod. Then she turned to Professor Colbert who, for some reason, checked the dog's underbelly. After some indistinct mumbling—with audible mentions of 'odd runes' and 'never happened before'—he then awkwardly concluded the class and dismissed the students.</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <strong>-~oOo~-</strong>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Very cozy," Meeko remarked, settling down on the bed of hay that had been so meticulously arrayed on the floor next to his mistress's bed. "The smells are a little strong though, if you don't mind me saying."</p>
<p>"How is it that you can talk?" Louise asked, her face scrunched in irate confusion.</p>
<p>"I don't know, honestly. It's a surprise to me that we're actually able to understand each other."</p>
<p>"And the other familiars."</p>
<p>"Well, that's less of a surprise. I mean, as a beast of nature, there is this natural communication that transcends mere barks and growls and tweets and neighs and the occasional goat screaming."</p>
<p>"Your intelligence and vocabulary is unexpected."</p>
<p>"Thank you for the compliment, mistress."</p>
<p>"It was more of an observation than a compliment."</p>
<p>"Oh. Thank you for the observation then, mistress."</p>
<p>Miss Vallière continued to observe her familiar while she lay in bed. A part of her wondered whether this was some twisted caveat of fate when she had desperate begged and pleaded to all that was holy that even a dog would suffice for her familiar. Soon the single burning candle in her room had melted down to half its length. Which meant that it was late in the evening and she was still unable to sleep. Meeko, it appeared, had picked up on her internal distress and regarded her with a tilt of its head.</p>
<p>"Don't give me that look," she chastised.</p>
<p>"What look?"</p>
<p>"That," she pointed. "That one that you're giving me right now. Stop it. It's vexing."</p>
<p>"I only noticed you just now, mistress."</p>
<p>"By the Founder," Louise groaned. "Were you a scholar in a previous life? Why are you so...so..."</p>
<p>"Perceptive? Curious? Oddly awake at this time of night?"</p>
<p>"Grating. You are very grating."</p>
<p>"If that's a compliment then I'll take it."</p>
<p>She let out a long breathe. "Who are you?"</p>
<p>"I'm Meeko. Your familiar. Apparently blessed with ancient arcane power if the constant warmth in my belly is of any indication."</p>
<p>"You were fed. Graciously."</p>
<p>"I was and I thank you for that again, mistress. However, it is not that. It's this...magic power, you could say. When you kissed me on my snout, there was this great...overwhelming energy...that surged between us."</p>
<p>"That is the binding effect of the Springtime Summoning Ritual," Louise explained tiredly. "You have been sealed to this realm and marked as my familiar. That's the magic you felt. That I felt. Much like a seal on parchment. A contract."</p>
<p>"Interesting. Can't say this has happened before." Meeko dropped his head back on to the hay. "At least it's better than Daedra magic."</p>
<p>"What magic?"</p>
<p>"Daedra magic, mistress. You know. The magic of Oblivion? The realm of the Conjuration School? Black magic? Necromancy? Summoning? That sort of thing?"</p>
<p>She furrowed her brow at those words. Particularly, she sounded less irate and more concerned. "... N-necromancy? What are you going on about?"</p>
<p>The dog paused. As if in thought. Because it most likely was. "... Hmm. I guess this really is a different world. Those Aedra weren't kidding."</p>
<p>"You're not making any sense," harped Louise. "What babble is this? Are you really a dog or were you a mage in a past life?"</p>
<p>"I was and am just a dog, mistress. Born in a litter in Skyrim, sheltered in the snowy swamps of that frigid province, raised to live in the wilds by a timid woodsman, and later adopted by a great man until the end of his days."</p>
<p>Louise sat on her bed. Contrary to the rumor that she was irreverently impatient, the young girl was actually curious to learn more about the places mentioned by her familiar—a frigid snowy land called Skyrim, situated on the northern lands of a continent called Tamriel in a world called Nirn. A land that had been a thorn in the side of some Tamrielic (Tamrielian? Tamrieli? Tamrielish?) empire that was oddly very similar to the one that preceded the Kingdom of Romalia in southern Halkeginia. According to most credible scholars, familiars were often summoned from realms beyond their own understanding and Skyrim sounded as though it were its own Halkeginia, complete with its own cultures, its own peoples, and its own schools of magic.</p>
<p>She could have asked for more but right now, she was more interested in the people Meeko had previously served. "Go on. Who was your former master?"</p>
<p>Meeko perked up. "My first master was a woodsman. Nothing too spectacular about him but he was a good man. Saved me from the swamps and gave me a home. Introduced me to the kindness of humans. We were devoted companions until rockjoint ended him."</p>
<p>"Rock-joint?"</p>
<p>"Illness. Stubborn old coot thought he could beat it without proper medicine."</p>
<p>She nodded. "I see. How was he a great man?"</p>
<p>"Ah, that was my second master. You see, a day after my first master passed, I was on the road barking at anyone because...well, I guess it was better than staying with a corpse. Eventually, there came this horseman, a soldier. Unlike the other travelers, he was intrigued by my pestering and I led him to our modest hovel in the woods where he saw my master in his eternal slumber, saw how a dog like myself was unable to keep going like that, and offered to bury my first master. After he did, he took me under his wing."</p>
<p>"This soldier. Was he this great man?"</p>
<p>The dog smiled. Or made a face that looked like a smile. "Great indeed. Granted, some of what he did was not entirely pretty but the ends justified the means. He fought in a war...a lot of wars. One on the surface, one underground, and one involving ancient prophecies. And probably a few more that I don't need to mention."</p>
<p>The young mage raised her brow. "So his deeds made him great."</p>
<p>"Not just his deeds, mistress. You see, he was also a man who wielded great power. And he had no idea just how great."</p>
<p>"That does not make sense."</p>
<p>"Even he thought it didn't make sense. But from what I recall, he was told that he 'didn't abide by the rules' and was thus exempt from any reason."</p>
<p>Louise scrunched her brow. "That still does not clarify how ridiculous this sounds."</p>
<p>"Well, the Aedra and Daedra never really made sense to me, either. Even the collegia devoted to the study of the Elder Scrolls don't make sense. By Oblivion, the Elder Scrolls themselves don't even make sense."</p>
<p>"You are not making any sense! What is this ay-drah, day-drah...?"</p>
<p>"From where I come from, they are the pantheon. Over here, I hear that you're largely monotheistic."</p>
<p>"Your former master was a pagan?"</p>
<p>"My former masters were polytheistic as were everyone else. At least, from where I'm from. You can choose to be monotheistic...say favoring one god over the others, or one Daedric Prince over the others, and sticking to that deity for the rest of your life."</p>
<p>The young mage waved her hands. "Okay, enough. Let's go back to your former master. What more can you say about him?"</p>
<p>"There are a lot of words to describe him. But if I were to pick a few, then I would say he was a fierce warrior by heart, a strident master of magic, and wily fool to have fooled the greatest of thieves. Oh, and he was the fulfillment of an ancient prophecy that entailed the end of the world. Or the end of Tamriel...or Nirn...unless Halkeginia is no different. I could be conjecturing."</p>
<p>"And through all that, you were just a dog. A normal dog like any other. One that did not talk and argue like an incessant pest. What changed?"</p>
<p>Meeko shrugged. The fact that a dog could do that motion was itself a small surprise. "I honestly don't know, mistress."</p>
<p>"You've spoken to me like a scholar yet you cannot answer such a simple question," irately hissed Louise.</p>
<p>The wolfhound once more gave her that look. One that seemed to convey annoyance. "It is hardly a simple question, mistress."</p>
<p>"Then give me a simple answer then. Spare me the nuisances."</p>
<p>"Magic. Dragons. Ancient prophecies. Vampires and werewolves and dark princes from Aetherius to Oblivion," the dog listed flippantly. "Take your pick, mistress. I don't know."</p>
<p>"You are so vexing, you know that?" Louise hissed. She fell back onto her bed, seemingly having given up on interrogating her familiar. Also because she was very much tired and sleep was creeping.</p>
<p>"The same could be said for you, mistress."</p>
<p>Miss Vallière made to rebuke her dog but decided against it. It was late and she would rather deal with this in the morning. "It is too late to argue with you. To bed now."</p>
<p>"Likewise, mistress," yawned Meeko.</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <strong>-~oOo~-</strong>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>It seemed Louise's familiar was too intelligent for its own good.</p>
<p>Not just intelligent, though. Charismatic and influential as well. Charismatic and influential to the other familiars. Because that was what brought a small group of familiars to gather in their own little circle in a corner of the Vestri Court on a weekend much to the annoyance of their owners and the bewilderment of the other students and the staff.</p>
<p>"Zero. I blame you for this."</p>
<p>"Seconded. You should take responsibility."</p>
<p>Sigh. Open book. Flip pages.</p>
<p>Louise did her best to keep her composure under the withering glares of her classmates. Notably Kirche, Montmorency, and even Tabitha who were all irked to varying degrees because their familiars had seemingly abandoned them for the day to entertain each other. It was like watching Guiche De Gramont and his circle of friends indulging in each other's charlatan tomfoolery. Except, instead of Guiche, it was their familiars. And Guiche himself was watching from one of the windows in the upper floors with Professor Colbert.</p>
<p>Bark, bark. Hiss. Growl. Ribbit, ribbit.</p>
<p>Miss Vallière grit her teeth, tightened her grip on her wand, and stomped over to the courtyard ready to berate her familiar for causing all this trouble.</p>
<p>"Meeko!"</p>
<p>The familiars quieted and regarded her. Sylphid the dragon stretched its wings, Flame the salamander rolled onto its belly, Robin the frog snatched a passing fly, while Meeko the dog tilted its head at the young mage.</p>
<p>"Yes, mistress?"</p>
<p>"What. Is the meaning. Of this," Louise growled.</p>
<p>"Oh, just having a time with friends, mistress. You know how it is."</p>
<p>"A time with friends? A <em>time</em> with <em>friends</em>!? You're familiars! You are beasts fated to serve us for our lifetimes! How in Founder's name do you have the time to socialize like drunken buffoons spilling out of a night at the local tavern!?"</p>
<p>The familiars were silent. As were the other students.</p>
<p>"Mistress, we were simply chatting. Were we bothering you? We thought that if we took our conversations outside, away from your classrooms, it would not disrupt your lectures and explosive practice sessions," reasoned the wolfhound.</p>
<p>"Chatting, eh?" hissed Miss Vallière. "Pray tell what were chatting about then?"</p>
<p>The familiars actually turned their heads at each other. As though they were Guiche and his sycophants trying to wordlessly communicate some poor excuse for whatever mischief they had caused.</p>
<p>"Mistress, some of this is, uh, quite sensitive and I don't think it would be appropriate to—"</p>
<p>"I command you to tell me what you were talking about!" screamed Louise.</p>
<p>Meeko winced. "Alright, alright. Fine. Gods forbid, you don't have to yell so loud."</p>
<p>Her eye twitched.</p>
<p>The dog sighed. Yes, he did. With his maw. "So...Sylphid was complaining that Tabitha was reading too much. She thinks that if she keeps at it, she'll end up going blind. Or she might drive herself insane like her unnerving father. Her words, not mine."</p>
<p>For the first time in a long time, Tabitha loudly shut her book, adjusted her monocles, and let out a sigh that was so unlike the sighs she often made. Much to the horror of the people around her.</p>
<p>Louise, for her part, was so taken aback by what amounted to astonishing, petty gossip—and regarding the unexpected person—that she stuttered out barely formed questions. Mainly because she had just learned that Sylphid was actually a female. After all, she had grown up under the assumption that dragons were of no gender. And also because a familiar could be so intelligent to think such things about their masters, much less capable of voicing these concerns so discernibly.</p>
<p>Meeko, unashamed, continued. "Flame, on the other hand, is concerned that his mistress is obsessed with vanity. An unhealthy obsession, it seems. His mistress keeps adoring herself in front of the mirror every morning, touching herself every night, and praising herself in the bath. Flame thinks it's a bit much for someone who is a little too blessed."</p>
<p>Several footsteps back, Kirche let out a strangled cough, ultimately ending up like Louise: stuttering and mumbling broken phrases. That and her cheeks were as red as her hair.</p>
<p>"As for Robin... Eh, Robin suspects that her mistress's partner is having an affair. Though, the way she sees it, it doesn't seem to be the first time. Astonishing though that no one has noticed. Perhaps we familiars have stronger senses than humans. Of course, given that we are beasts of nature blessed with sharper ears and sharper noses and thicker skin as well. We know your scents and Mistress Montmorency's partner has more than just her scent."</p>
<p>At this point, Louise had given up any intentions of rebuke or punishment. Her legs were shaking and she had to tuck her wand away just so her trembling hands would not drop it. Meanwhile, in the upstairs corridor, Guiche's pleas for clemency were cut short by two loud slaps that were followed by the noise of Montmorency's vicious diatribe and another girl's despondent wailing. All to the jeers of the other students.</p>
<p>"Human problems, I guess," Meeko concluded, ignoring the chaos happening in the background. "Not that we can't completely comprehend your many grievances with yourselves and each other but know that, since we are bound by fate to be your companions for life, you are going to have to get used to us listening in on your secrets. Not entirely by choice, per se, because some secrets aren't really sweet to hear—"</p>
<p>"What scandalous thing did you say about me?" Louise managed.</p>
<p>"Scandalous?" her familiar repeated. "What's scandalous about having a poor temperament?"</p>
<p>"I do not have a poor temperament!"</p>
<p>"Case in point."</p>
<p>"Whatever scandalous things you hear, you keep it to yourself!" screamed Miss Vallière. "That is a rule!"</p>
<p>"A human rule, mistress?" calmly posited the wolfhound. "Because if it is a human rule, then we familiars are not obligated to follow it. For we are familiars; beasts of great variety. We are not humans."</p>
<p>"Don't argue philosophy with me!"</p>
<p>"I believe we are talking semantics."</p>
<p>Louise let out a pained screech before pinching the back of her familiar's neck and forcefully dragging it away.</p>
<p>"Now, now!" Meeko mewled. "No need to be so rough!"</p>
<p>"Say any more secrets in public and I will not feed you for a week."</p>
<p>"Understood, mistress."</p>
<p>And thus, later that evening, in the privacy of her room, Louise had Meeko divulge every scandalous matter her familiar—and the other familiars—had learned of their owners. Technically, he was not divulging anything in public so this was not a violation of her previous order. Of course, his mistress's motivation was entirely out of curiosity and it was not like the young explosive mage would ever consider using such private and sensitive information as leverage against those who had so constantly tormented her for her supposed ineptitude with magic.</p>
<p>But Meeko digressed. What would a dog know? Besides, it was not like his previous master had repeatedly done the same thing on a much grander scale with figures far greater and more threatening than these paltry teenaged students.</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <strong>-~oOo~-</strong>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>Since then, every student with a familiar—and even some of the accomplished teaching staff with familiars—became particularly weary towards Miss Vallière and her omniscient familiar. Omniscient in the regard that whatever dirty little secrets they so willingly and shamelessly admitted or performed in the presence of their familiars could very well be exposed to the world thanks to someone else's talking dog.</p>
<p>This mindset within the Académie became manifest when Louise, who had been expecting some vengeful retaliation from her classmates over being publicly shamed by her familiar, was suddenly greeted by Guiche at her door. She was taken aback by his sudden appearance and she feared the worst. Hence, on instinct, called on Meeko to protect her.</p>
<p>Meeko fumbled over from his bed of hay, yawned, and nonchalantly greeted the blond scion of House Gramont.</p>
<p>To Louise's surprise, Guiche replied humbly.</p>
<p>Yes.</p>
<p>Humbly.</p>
<p>Guiche de Gramont, the most arrogant womanizer within the Académie, actually bended his knee and showered both her and her familiar with colorful praise. It seemed he was feigning flattery to get her to lower her guard so some cruel trick could be played upon her by his friends. He was even offering to guide her by the hand to the dining hall for breakfast.</p>
<p>Being the notorious charlatan that he was, Louise refused and ignored his verdant pleas to be her valet for the day.</p>
<p>Yes, she heard that right.</p>
<p>The son of a high-ranking decorated military officer in the Armée Tristain offered to be her personal valet. A boy of noble birth with immense pride following his wake stooped low to be her step stool. Much to the amusement of Meeko who unashamedly laughed his heart away. A laughing dog; Louise thought that either the world had gone mad or she was becoming the victim of a cruel joke that was waiting around corner.</p>
<p>And sure enough, she saw a shadow cast on the carpet from behind the corner.</p>
<p>It was Montmorency.</p>
<p>And she was angry.</p>
<p>Surprisingly not at Louise though. Montmorency was irked with Guiche. And even more surprising was the fact that the girl berated her 'romantic partner' for charming Louise the wrong way.</p>
<p>Excuse her, what? Come again?</p>
<p>Louise was baffled into silence as she witnessed Montmorency suddenly transform from one of her vicious tormentors into a smiling, affable, servant girl in purple robes. Hard to believe but Montmorency Margarita La Fère De Montmorency, among her most ardent bullies, saddled next to her and began pestering her with the kindest words the blonde could come up with. She even offered to help her with her homework.</p>
<p>Now Louise was even more suspicious and rightfully a little paranoid. This sudden reversal of attitudes from two of the biggest thorns in her side was heralding something dreadful. Something dangerous. She made to confide in Meeko only to find, to her irritation, her familiar casually explaining to Guiche and Montmorency her favorite foods, her favored hobbies, and what she stories she liked growing up.</p>
<p>"Meeko!" screeched the young pink-haired mage. "How dare you divulge your mistress's secrets!"</p>
<p>The dog paused and had the audacity to look confused. "But, mistress... These technically aren't secret. So they are free for me to divulge, is it not? Unless there is an amendment to the rule."</p>
<p>Louise opened her mouth to argue only to be interrupted by someone clicking their tongue. She turned around to see there standing in front of the doors to the dining hall both her greatest nemesis on this campus and her silent but largely neutral compatriot. Kirche Augusta Frederica von Anhalt-Zerbst had her arms folded and her eyes narrowed sharp as a hawk while Tabitha regarded them with an unusual focus behind her monocles.</p>
<p>"Guiche, Montmorency," Kirche started. "You are both doing it wrong. So, so wrong."</p>
<p>"Oh?" challenged Guiche. "What makes you think you can win Louise's favor?"</p>
<p>"Excuse me?" Louise hissed only to be ignored.</p>
<p>Kirche merely shook her head and sauntered over. "This is how you do it."</p>
<p>The tall Anhalt-Zerbst leaned in close to the short-statured Vallière. "Good morning, Louise. I trust you'll need some time to yourself? This air feels a little stifling, don't you think?"</p>
<p>"What are getting at?" Louise harped back.</p>
<p>Kirche snapped her fingers. "Tabitha?"</p>
<p>Tabitha came over and wordlessly offered the young Vallière a hardbound copy of a book. Not just any book. A rare book. In fact, a book with a recognizable title. A book containing an anthology of stories that Louise had treasured since her childhood; stories that captivated her, that inspired her, that kept her motivated to continue being a mage despite her failures. A rare book that cost a fortune to find and an even greater fortune to acquire.</p>
<p>"Wh-wh-where?" was all Louise could manage as she graced the aged leather cover and carefully leafed through the pages documenting her favorite fairy tales and stories of old. "H-how...wh-why?"</p>
<p>"Consider it a gift," Kirche said proudly.</p>
<p>To this, Montmorency raised her voice. At Kirche. Her best friend. "Bribery will get you nowhere! You're better than this, Louise!"</p>
<p>Guiche piped in. "Stories of heroes, eh? Well, my father has an immense collection of texts recording the greatest deeds of valor! I promise you they will all be yours!"</p>
<p>"Stop making promises you can't keep, young Gramont," harped Anhalt-Zerbst.</p>
<p>Tabitha simply let out a quiet growl.</p>
<p>Now Louise was confused. And scared. But more confused than scared. But still scared. Because, Founder forbid, what was going on right now? Was she dreaming? Was this all an illusion? Had she gone madder than a hatter? And why was Meeko laughing like a jester?!</p>
<p>"Silence!" Vallière screamed.</p>
<p>Silence came.</p>
<p>"What are you all planning?" Louise finally demanded. "You were never kind to me from the beginning! Well, except Tabitha but she is an exception!"</p>
<p>"Silence isn't really kindness, mistress," Meeko remarked.</p>
<p>"And you!" she snarled, pointing at her familiar. "Why are you allowing me to suffer this torment? Do you find this all amusing?! I will deny you food for a week!"</p>
<p>"Oh, mistress," the wolfhound replied smugly. "I thought you caught on by now."</p>
<p>"Caught on?" Louise hissed, ignoring the sudden anxiety that overcame her classmates. "With what!?"</p>
<p>"Why, mistress. These four here are trying to buy your silence. Or rather, our silence."</p>
<p>"Silence? What do you mean, 'our silence'—oh."</p>
<p>Tension filled the air for a brief moment. Then a fire sparked in Louise's mind, snuffing out her furor, and she slowly regarded her former tormentors with a grin so smug that Guiche, Montmorency, Kirche, and Tabitha all took a step back with fear on their faces. And not from an impending explosion, this time. No. The young Vallière was suddenly feeling quite euphoric this morning.</p>
<p>"So," she started slowly, almost sultrily. "I could use a valet for all my materials, and some help with my homework would be greatly appreciated, and while I am very grateful for this gift, I feel as though it is a bit lacking in...substance."</p>
<p>All the while, Meeko shook his head while mumbling to himself, "What was that my former master once said? Oh, yeah. Loose lips sink ships."</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <strong>-~oOo~-</strong>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>Three days later, the five students were called up into the office of Headmaster Osmond to discuss the accusations of 'unfairness' and 'special treatment' levied against them by the other students. Professor Colbert had been discussing some sensitive matters with the headmaster when they arrived, appearing nervous and shameful. Of course, being in the presence of two respected educators and rightly powerful Square mages, secrets were ultimately divulged. And Meeko was summoned as well to corroborate everything.</p>
<p>It took a bit of explaining, some banter, a discussion on ethics and morals, Meeko recounting some vulgar sayings by his former master, and eventually Louise unloading her baggage on the four other students before Headmaster Osmond raised his voice and, together with Professor Colbert, mediated between them.</p>
<p>Kirche, Montmorency, Guiche, and Tabitha all apologized to Louise for their behavior and opened up about their own little troubles since...well...what was left for them to lose but their already shattered pride? Their own familiars had betrayed them. Betrayed their dirty little secrets to a talking dog that just would not shut up. And now they were paying the price for it.</p>
<p>All the while, Meeko kept sniffing at Headmaster Osmond's assistant Miss Longueville, constantly remarking that she smelled of dirt much to the woman's chagrin.</p>
<p>It was not long after that emotional mess in his office that the five eventually became friends. Or something close to it. They were on the road to friendship, one could say.</p>
<p>Besides, Louise still knew all their secrets, still milked more out of their familiars through Meeko, and still hung some of those over their heads but she promised to them that, unless someone's life was truly in danger, she would never reveal any of these things to the world. On the other hand, Meeko continued his habit of regularly meeting up with Sylphid, Flare, Robin, and Guiche's familiar Verðandi to talk about life as familiars and continuously gossip about the stupidity of their masters.</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <strong>-~oOo~-</strong>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>It did not go unnoticed that, in the weeks that followed the Springtime Summoning Ritual, the students began treating the Académie's plebeian staff—the cooks, the cleaners, and the magically-inept servants—with unusual and unexpected kindness. In one case, Guiche was uncharacteristically forgiving when a maid named Siesta accidentally spilled broth over his robes during lunch. The son of the famed Commandant Gramont even offered to help her clean up the mess.</p>
<p>At first, the staff were conflicted. Some were delighted by the change of heart by these snotty noble children while others were fearing some kind of veiled malice intended to break their resolve as punishment for some unrecorded offense.</p>
<p>Then one night, Siesta encountered Meeko while cleaning and the pair engaged in long conversation, discussing much. So much so enough time passed for Louise to have been wandering the halls looking for her familiar. Siesta vehemently apologized to avoid the notorious wrath of the hot-tempered Vallière but instead of a lashing, she received a soft-spoken yet stern reprimand before being left alone in the halls.</p>
<p>The following day, the Cabale Hurlante—the unofficial name bestowed by the students and staff to Meeko and his circle of familiars—were treated to a free meal by the kitchen staff who were grateful for the familiars helping to shape up their own masters' rather nasty behaviors towards the common folk. Of course, the familiars themselves did not divulge any damning secrets of their masters even though some of what they knew were already public knowledge by that point.</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <strong>-~oOo~-</strong>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>Headmaster Osmond had been observing.</p>
<p>Yes, he had been thoroughly observing from behind his desk in his office atop the central tower of the Académie. He had been observing Miss Vallière's familiar, an intelligent wolfhound capable of arguing with his own staff on principles and theory and even orchestrating a brilliant scheme to discipline his students by means of blackmail. Not just that but Professor Colbert's own observations of the mutt had aroused his suspicions; the foremost being that the runes Jean-Baptiste found under the dog's belly were unlike anything he had ever seen before.</p>
<p>But the headmaster had seen them before. Ancient runes dating back to the time of Brimir himself six thousand years ago. Now this was all conjecture and Osmond knew that he needed to clarify this theory with his sources. These sources were in one of the many old tomes that were picking up dust at the top of his bookshelves here in his office. Hence why he had his assistant Miss Longueville to get it for him.</p>
<p>Which meant that she had to mount a ladder in order to reach the topmost shelf to retrieve a dusty old book. Headmaster Osmond could have done it himself—say, cast levitation or use his own vastly superior Square magic to get the damn thing himself.</p>
<p>But Headmaster Osmond was busy ruminating on his observations of Miss Vallière's familiar. And he was still observing, of course. Yes. Observing and ruminating on the voluptuous shape of Miss Longueville's bottom all the while his own familiar, little loyal Motsognir the white mouse, scurried quietly away from under the ladder to report to its master the color of Miss Longueville's undergarments.</p>
<p>It did not take long before the book he needed came flying into his face.</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <strong>-~oOo~-</strong>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>Exhibitions.</p>
<p>Truly a competition to see whose familiar was the most appealing to these people. Meeko recalled a saying from his previous master about such things. Pageantry, the old soldier called it. Come to think of it, his previous master had a colorful vocabulary regarding his distastes and had more than once referred to these sort of events as a 'grand pissing contest.'</p>
<p>Louise did not like the term because it was so vulgar. So Meeko replaced it with another of his previous master's notorious remarks: 'a boisterous phallic display to see who had the longest member.' To which she whipped him with a stick very roughly.</p>
<p>Alas, it was nigh impossible to decline participation. Because participation was mandatory. And also because Her Majesty Henrietta De Tristain herself was going to be in attendance as a guest of honor. Quite a big deal because she was the princess to the kingdom they were in. Quite an even bigger deal because she was Louise's childhood friend. They were quite close apparently.</p>
<p>Hence, Meeko, as the loyal and trusting canine familiar, took it upon himself to calm his mistress's nerves.</p>
<p>It was only an exhibition, he said. No need to fret too much; just do your best. And all manner of encouragements and flattery. Besides, it was all in good fun, they said. However, according to the other familiars, as conveniently related by Meeko the night before the event at the behest of his mistress, it was not entirely in good fun. Being young and barely any closer to the second decade of their lives, it was inevitable for so much pride to be wagered...and so much jealousy to come to the fore.</p>
<p>Louise was now even more distraught. Other than talking like an annoyingly defiant scholar, what more could Meeko do? Could she really trust his claim of being a hardened war dog? She dared not ask; after all, it was hard to imagine a shaggy wolfhound like hers, gray hairs caked in blood, jagged teeth rending flesh and bone from many a warrior across a corpse-strewn battlefield.</p>
<p>Anyway, the following day, with Her Majesty seated in attendance as a guest of honor, both mage and familiar felt a bit of the pressure to deliver a performance. Or rather, Louise felt extremely pressured to deliver a performance considering that Henrietta was watching her, most likely expecting so much from her dearest friend. On the other hand, her familiar felt somewhat nostalgic. Putting on a show for royalty. It was like that one time in Solitude when his former master had to dress like a queen and be paraded before the courts to be jeered at because it was rare to see a hardy, towering, muscled soldier prancing in women's tight garments with a sour look on his bearded face...</p>
<p>Huh. Was that why his former master hated pageants?</p>
<p>The exhibition began and it was just like what the wolfhound expected.</p>
<p>Sylphid majestically dominated the skies, drawing great fanfare. Flame executed a flurry of flawless displays of fire, exciting the crowd. Robin dazzled the audience in an elegant waltz to the music of a violin. Cubasil and Verðandi enraptured onlookers with their skill and affability.</p>
<p>Meeko spoke to the people.</p>
<p>Yes. The mutt sat on the stage and conversed in refined language with the bewildered attendees. To the horror of Louise—and the rest of the staff as well—the wolfhound unashamedly challenged the existing social strata and unapologetically debated philosophy and politics with the judges, ultimately arguing the principles of Tristain's monarchy with Her Majesty herself. To top it all off, when the rather intense discussion finally ended, the dog left the stage so he could unceremoniously urinate on the leg of one of Her Majesty's bodyguards.</p>
<p>"You bitch!" snarled the irate halberdier.</p>
<p>"That would have been my mother or any of my female siblings whom I have never met but I commend you for your noble attempt at guessing my gender. Maybe I should lift my leg a little higher," Meeko retorted shamelessly before turning to Louise. "Don't you think so, mistress?"</p>
<p>Needless to say, Sylphid won.</p>
<p>On the other hand, to the absolute surprise of everyone, Her Majesty Henrietta happily commended Meeko's bluntness and insight and even extended an invitation to the royal palace should they be visiting the capital anytime soon. It seemed like a good ending to what would have been a catastrophe.</p>
<p>Too bad it ended in catastrophe not too long after.</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <strong>ORIGINALLY DRAFTED: July 10, 2020</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>LAST EDITED: October 21, 2020</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>INITIALLY UPLOADED: July 17, 2020</strong>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>(July 17, 2020) - It's been awhile since I last published something about Familiar Of Zero. I've often wanted to try my hand at making a crossover with this series and for now, I chose The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. And instead of summoning the Dragonborn, I chose Meeko. Because I have a fondness for side characters and I find making a good story using side characters with little information in canon to be a good challenge. Besides, if you've played Skyrim for a decent amount of time, you'll know who Meeko is and you'll either love him or hate him.</p>
<p>Now, at first, I wanted to use Barbas because he was a sassy, wisecracking son of a bitch. But that would cause some plot and lore problems and I did not have the patience to go deep with all of that and tie it up together. So instead, I chose Meeko but sprinkled in a bit of Barbas's personality to make him shine.</p>
<p>Anyway, hope you like this. Stay safe and stay healthy, folks.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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